


Kind of Cockeyed

by pool_of_time



Category: Arrested Development
Genre: I wrote this bc I had some questions about the legitimacy of that color me mine, M/M, This is technically an AU, bc they paint their candy bean dishes different colors than in the episode, lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 22:01:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18455468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pool_of_time/pseuds/pool_of_time
Summary: The idea that this is a real Color Me Mine is just this side of ridiculous, but Tony doesn’t say anything. Gob seems inexplicably excited to paint ceramic dishes.It’s just that it’s three in the morning, and are these places really open that late? He’s never actually been to one, but he’s pretty sure their primary clientele is in bed by now.





	Kind of Cockeyed

**Author's Note:**

> I considered calling this "Color Me Yours," but then I realized that was way too incredibly cheesy. And instead I decided (for some reason) to admit in the notes that I even had that idea lol.

The idea that this is a real Color Me Mine is just this side of ridiculous, but Tony doesn’t say anything. Gob seems inexplicably excited to paint ceramic dishes.

It’s just that it’s three in the morning, and are these places really open that late? He’s never actually been to one, but he’s pretty sure their primary clientele is in bed by now.

Not only that, but the pottery here is wonky as hell. No, this is definitely _not_ a Color Me Mine. He’s not sure _what_ it is. Maybe a front for something. Drugs or money laundering, or... pottery smuggling...? You can hide a lot of stuff in ceramic vases.

“What do you want to paint?” Tony asks. Gob is looking at the shelves of fucked up pottery as if his choice is of vital importance. The thought comes to Tony that he finds this sort of endearing, but where did _that_ come from? Gob’s enthusiasm for the mundane is infectious, and Tony might be playing his role just a little too well, he decides.

Gob grabs a couple ashtrays. “You can never have enough candy bean dishes.”

“Enough... what?”

Gob gives him a strange look. “Candy bean dishes. You know, dishes to put candy beans in?” As if this is something Tony, or anyone else in the world, should be aware of.

“Those are ashtrays. They’re also kind of cockeyed. But if you insist.” Tony smiles and rests his fingers lightly on Gob’s waist. He remembers that he’s supposed to be seducing him.

At Tony’s touch, Gob’s entire face lights up. He gives Tony a huge dopey grin and hands him one of the ashtrays.

“And anyway, I don’t mind if they’re a little crooked. They remind me of your smile.” The cheesy comment comes naturally to Tony; after all, he’s a professional liar and con artist in so many ways. But he’s a little surprised at how sincere it feels. He might need a break from all this pretending before it starts going to his head.

***

Gob feels himself blush and smile wider, and he thinks to himself what a great actor he is. He’s doing the perfect imitation of a schoolgirl with a hopeless crush, and he barely has to try. Tobias has nothing on him.

Tobias is always talking about character research, immersive acting, and a bunch of other stuff Gob sometimes vaguely pays attention to. He’s pretty sure that’s what he’s doing now. He needs Tony to fall in love with him, so what better way than to throw himself into the role of someone genuinely interested? He’s a natural. He’s so good at pretending to have fun that he almost feels like he _is_ having fun.

Tony’s examining all the pink paints, trying to find the one that’s the closest match to his goatee. Gob is grabbing a bottle of every single color while the lone tired-looking employee glares at him. Whatever, if he’s not supposed to use all the colors then they shouldn’t be there.

“Have you been to one of these before?” Tony asks.

“Nope. But you know, it looked kinda fun and it’s the only thing open this time of night.” The thought briefly goes through his mind that maybe that’s a little weird, maybe he should be questioning why a Color Me Mine is open at 3am.

...Nah. He sponges some white powder out of the bottom of the candy bean dish. Ceramic dust. Need to get all that shit off before he can paint.

***

The bell on top of the door rattles (can’t really say that it rings, because it doesn’t) as Robbie walks into the store. Rebecca looks tired tonight; he nods at her and walks up to where she’s leaning on the counter fiddling with her phone.

“I see you’ve got some customers in here today.” Usually when Robbie comes to pick up his supply, the shop is empty. On the rare occasions there are people there, they almost always fall into one of two categories: drunk college kids and gay couples. Tonight it’s the latter.

Rebecca asks the standard question: “Come to pick up your projects?” Robbie nods again, and she goes into the back room full of recently painted and fired ceramic.

While Robbie waits, he watches the couple at the table. They’re the only ones here besides him and Rebecca, and they don’t really seem to notice either of them. The tall one looks ridiculous; he can barely fit his legs under the table. Doesn’t seem to mind though. He’s probably used to it.

The short one is trying to paint his ashtray pink, but his boyfriend keeps dotting it with one of the ten thousand colors on his own palette and giggling. Every time he does it, the short one glares and kicks the tall one under the table, but Robbie can tell he’s trying to hide a smile. God, these guys are saccharine. It’s making him nauseous. The gay couples are always like this. Robbie thinks he prefers the drunk kids. But then again, when the kids are here he always thinks he prefers the gay couples.

Robbie remembers when he had a connection like these two. With Rebecca, actually. That had been a terrible idea, and he knows he’s lucky. Not everyone can go through a breakup with their supplier and come out of it with their job intact.

***

Gob knocks his shoulder against Tony’s and holds up his ashtray. “Look, I painted it crooked to match my smile too.”

“Cute,” Tony says, smiling. “But I think you painted it crooked because you can’t paint a line straight.”

Gob smirks and leans into Tony’s ear, talking in his gravelly Seduction Voice. “Baby, you should know I don’t do _anything_ straight.” He slides his hand onto Tony’s knee.

Tony almost drops his ashtray while he tries to paint over one of the many non-pink dots Gob snuck on there. He’s not totally sure how to respond. He doesn’t want this to escalate too much—after all, he’s not really gay—but he doesn’t want Gob to think he’s snubbing him, since that would obviously ruin his plan.

After a few seconds of sputtering, he decides to play it shy. It’s a good happy medium. He doesn’t look uninterested, but he also doesn’t invite Gob to go further. He ducks his head and sneaks a look and a smile to his left, towards Gob. He hits the act perfectly. So much so that he can even feel his heart pounding in his ears.

***

Gob realizes it’s a risk to come on to Tony like that—Tony might think he wants to go home with him—but he’s gotta make this seduction look real. When has Gob ever taken the safe way out? The easy way out, sure, but surprisingly those are rarely the same thing.

Anyway, he gets a perfect reaction. Tony blushes and smiles shyly at him, but not after fumbling his candy bean dish in surprise like an awkward teenager. Something warm and a little unfamiliar is happening in Gob’s chest. He identifies it as excitement that his plan is working, and possibly relief that Tony didn’t seem to take that as a invitation for gay sex.

He hears someone talking behind him, and suddenly he realizes that he and Tony have just been staring at each other smiling for almost 30 seconds. He quickly breaks eye contact and looks behind him. Huh, there’s another guy in here, talking to the Color Me Mine employee. He’s leaving with a whole crate of painted ceramic jars. Must be from a birthday party or something.

When he turns back, Tony is intently painting his candy bean dish again. How long does it take to paint something one solid color? He must be on like the fourth coat by now. Gob’s only done one coat, although that coat is in about ten different colors. He considers himself done.

“It’s getting pretty late. You ready to go?”

Tony examines his candy bean dish. “Yeah, I think so.”

Across the room, the employee stands up. “I can put those in the kiln queue for you guys. You can pick them up in a few days.”

Gob frowns. “I want to take mine home now.”

“Well, it takes a little while to fire it.”

“Why do we have to fire it?”

“The glaze needs to be heated and cooled so it can set properly and look shiny. And it won’t be the right colors if you don’t.” She’s giving Gob a long-suffering look.

“I like the colors it is now!” Gob says, alarmed. He looks at Tony, who’s examining his dish. “I don’t care, I’m going to take it home.”

“Whatever,” the girl says. “Doesn’t make a difference to me.”

***

When they get in Gob’s car, Tony is glad it’s almost five in the morning. Sure, he’s publicly the gay magician, but he’s still embarrassed to be seen getting into a car that says ANUSTART on the license plate. He wonders how Gob drives the car around without ruining his “Christian” reputation.

“What’s the deal with your license plate, anyway?”

For a second, Gob looks confused. “My—oh. This isn’t actually my car, I borrowed it from my brother-in-law.”

“So you and your brother are both gay?”

“What? No, this isn’t my brother’s car, it’s my brother-in-law’s car. And he’s not gay, he’s married to my sister. Although, I mean we all joke that he’s gay. But we don’t know for sure…”

Tony raises an eyebrow. “Sorry, I had assumed you meant this was your brother’s husband’s car.”

“Neither of my brothers has a husband.” He’s looking away from the road to give Tony a strange look.

“Never mind, never mind,” Tony mumbles. He shifts the ashtrays on his lap. They really are crooked. Like Gob’s smile. He stares silently at the pottery for a few moments, then quickly looks away.

When Gob pulls up in front of Tony’s house, Tony knows he needs to do something to make sure Gob stays interested. He can’t just get out of the car and wave goodbye. He should have thought about this during the drive. But as it is, he’s sitting in the passenger seat staring at Gob, not entirely sure what to do. Gob is sitting in the driver’s seat with one hand still on the wheel, not giving him any hints either.

“Well, thanks for driving me home,” he says, forcing a smile. “I had a lot of fun.” He opens the car door and gets out, holding his ashtray and leaving Gob’s on the seat. He leans down and looks into the car. Does Gob look… disappointed? Shit.

On impulse, not sure what else to do, Tony leans into the car, bracing one hand on the console. Resting his other hand on Gob’s shoulder, he kisses Gob on the cheek. A dry, chaste kiss, but long enough that Tony feels Gob’s face start to warm up underneath his lips.

When he pulls away, he feels a little lightheaded. He laughs nervously and wipes his palms on his jeans. “Call me!” He says, shutting the door and hurrying up his driveway.

***

Gob hasn’t entirely processed what just happened, but what he does process is that Tony’s left his candy bean dish in the car. Unfortunately he doesn’t have the ability of speech until Tony’s already up the driveway, so he doesn’t yell for him to come back and get it.

He can still feel where Tony’s lips were on his cheek. Can still feel where Tony’s goatee tickled his skin. 

_He kissed me,_ he thinks. 

“The plan’s working,” he says out loud, to no one in particular except possibly himself.

And he’s not entirely sure what he’s feeling right now, but as he drives back to the model home he thinks it’s probably something like satisfaction at a job well done.


End file.
